I'm so confused :c

I love my fanfic, I want to continue it, search prowltfa on quizilla and my stuff should come up about my character Solarscream, who is waycool, I want her life man - a decepticon that has megatron, starscream AND prowl all over her. though she's not really a decepticon, but she doesn't know that e.e

ANYWAY THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M CONFUSED ABOUT.
i'm confused because my step mum has gone over to america yeah to talk to a cat about a mouse. no, but really her mum's super-ill with lots of types of cancer and she hasn't got a long time left :c. so what might happen is phrixxy may end up LIVING IN AMERICA. AND I'M SCARED. i will be hopeless with money, i'd be all "LOLOLOLOL HOW MUCH IS THAT? IS IT CHEAP? :DD *insert wacky foreigner laugh*" so yeah :/. apparently i could join the USAF, but idk, it seems sad, just sad - i don't live there, i'd never be able to shoot at the english if for some reason it was demanded. plus i'mma be honest - some of my best friends are american - and ilthem - but they're rare exceptions, a lot of americans i FRIGGIN HATE THE GUTS OF.

scandinavia now, i would love. i've always been in love with it, it's weird, it's just so foreign and sexy and all the guys are HOT and BLONDE and mmhmmmmm. english guys that are hot are just jerks cause they know they're hot cause all the girls are desperate. they consider dark-haired girls in scandinavia as exotic. i like that word of description. exotic. hot word.

ANYWAY. my stepmum's dad might move to england anyway to play golf in surrey and has nais time. but then i'm still stuck - live with dad, go to college, go to uni, live with mum, go to milton keynes, go to cornwall. THOSE ARE ALL OPTIONS I HAVE TO CHOOSE. then lets not even get started on options and jobs.

I HATE DECISIONS. I WISH WE WERE ALL PROGRAMMED FROM WHEN WE BECAME ALIVE TO HAVE A CERTAIN JOB WE WERE MEANT FOR AND WE DID THAT JOB AND LIKED IT.

I keep thinking of in the future wanting only one thing - a gallery site with a beautiful portfolio of a woman that was a photographer, pilot, intelligence officer and a model and now lives in the wilderness secluded in norway with a house with one BIG white room with beige laminate flooring where she meditates through the day and collects water from the stream, whilst gardening the fruits of nature and caring for her trees. and a temple is nearby, where she can come for moments of peace.

I would be so happy, so, so happy. I would also be happy to be a gigantic automatic robot. It sounds funny, I know, but like Knight Rider or Transformers or anything like that, it's just, me, I was meant to be a giant robot. Or fall in love with a giant robot.

I want to be megan fox |:

I want to be an actress, a musician, a pilot, a photographer, a policewoman, a buddist, a martial arts master, a scholar and a sentient being.

SO HERE ARE MY AIMS IN LIFE:
1) To be able to fly a jet
2) To act in at least one film or series
3) To make an album with a band as a musician on the track
4) To have my own online gallery
5) To stay vegetarian
6) To have a garden
7) To have at least one room in the future as my silent, white and wood room of zen
8) To take up martial arts and yoga
9) To own a massive library of books from all over the world
10) To make at least one fully-structed philosophers theory

I'm working on number 5 and 6, as I'm a vegetarian and the keeper of a bonsai tree, which is weirdly an honour and I love it as I would a child.

I want to feel love, peace, happiness and calm. Love is a difficult one, as it is a passionate emotion and often leads to anger, so love can lead to unhappiness. A likeminded being would be perfect, a photographing, flying, calm being that could be one with my soul.

I want to loose contact with the world, set free.

BUT ANYWAY.

YESTERDAY I WENT TO THE AIR TRAINING CORPS (SAID CORE I FOUND OUT) AND THERE WAS LOADS OF GUYS.

Apparently girls are there also on other nights. I spoke to the guy that runs it for ages, then went out and played quick cricket and football with the guys. I was waiting for a bus but two of the other guys came over and said they were walking in the direction of my house. I decided to walk in that way with them |: then the hot one left halfway through to go buy a drink or smth. So I spoke to the other guy who I found out is called Rinat Daly and is russian.

So he finds out I don't live far from our sort of mall-shopping-place-thing and he's like "COME OUT TOMORROW" so I go sort of "kay e.e;" but I'm there for hours and everyone's a skater or young or hot or perverse. I got a little worried that I wasn't cool so I chatted some shit that was somewhat half true. Have you done weed before: yez, course - i have, but only twice and over a year ago. You smoke?: i quit a week ago - i was never addicted and i quit several months ago, but i have smoked, briefly, so now the smoke tastes lovely on the air, what can i say, the want to be accepted is a terrible thing. Virgin?: why should i answer - yes, i am, and i've also not had a boyfriend for over a year now :/. bit embarassing being groped by three guys i barely know, which sounds a bit more creepy and sinister than it actually way, but nonetheless...

so anyway, i chat some shit about wanting vodka and before you know it we're all outside a corner shop, where i admit i have a fake id - i know, right, BADBAD, but i was only gonna use it to buy a tattoo. okay, that's not good either, but i haven't. so i go in and buy us a 2litre bottle of strongbow and a 1 1/2 litre bottle of smirnoff ice. i leave the strongbow to them - cheap cider makes me gag a little and hold onto the smirnoff ice, since it's mixed. anyway, i'm left to my own devices and drink ALL THE SMIRNOFF ICE. i offer, but they're just insulted that i went on about vodka and bought the mixed. to be fair, i didn't really even notice it was mixed, i was panicing about being caught, we were just outside a police office station thing.

so we run up to a field and before this i'm a little nervous cause things are swinging wildly out of control in my brain and i phone ciara and saoirse. they agree to come down and when they meet us - drinking and talking, they sit and are quiet because they can't easily get into the conversation. i turn and begin talking to them.

i lost my purse anyway. am i typing that right? purse?

which had £20, my debit card, my i love vodka clubcard, my scuk clubcard and my fake drivings licence in it.

this is bad i say and me, saoirse and ciara go off looking for it. anyway, since i've drank all the smirnoff ice - which is only something silly like 4% vol, i realize that i still haven't fucking achieved what i wanted - full on drunkenness. the closest i've ever been to drunk is when i was outside a linkin park gig which is another story for another day, but it pisses me off - i have a liver of steel still and thus it's really difficult to get me drunk. i could drink vodka - not straight mind, but mixed with coke or fanta - until the bottle is empty. i might be drunk by then, but i wouldn't know. the worse it got was me unable to walk in a line, sitting on the floor outside toilet cubicles and laughing a lot. otherwise i just get sleepy.

it's annoying, i want to be a confident drunk, not the laughing, sleepy type. fuck.

so life's a bit fucked over atm.

anyway, we went looking for my purse and couldn't find it.
i realize i blame the community. they're all chavvy teens and fucking wannabe gangsters, 'course none of them are gonna hand it in - what has happened to the world.
then again i remembered, if i found £20 on the floor, would i hand it in to the police? no.

it makes me wanna cry sometimes - i'm two split people, the person i want to be and the person i am. i'm easily led astray, lack motivation and can easily be bullied into just about anything, i've been like it since forever. i bitch about my life a lot and sometimes i love it and i'm scared of what i really want.

i want someone to push me, i don't want anyone trying to sort my life out for me.
i want people near, i want people to go the fuck away.
i want to waste my life, i want to achieve everything in my life.
i have no idea, okay, choose for me - in fact, no, don't choose for me, go away.
i'm not sure which of these people inside i like, i'm pretty sure it's the me i want to be that i would prefer being. the me that gives so much and asks so little in return, that doesn't bitch or moan or feel lethargic and tired.
i might go into a cucoon-like sleep, to rebirth.

but i can't.

i've got cadets tomorrow, should've had gongfu today, i promised ciara and soosh i'd meet them with soosh's old friends for the cinema earlierish in the day. the day after that i'm going to cornwall, where everyone will bitch at me if i don't get up in time to go and wander around art exhibitions and towns.

one thing i know for sure, be it not affected by my split personality - i fucking hate going to places in real life to look at other stuff people've done. deviantart is there for a reason, if i want to see your work, i'll find it. i hate all this cubism, surrealism crap - it's called crap and you can stop acting as if it's an art form. i'm all about realism - fuck i'm a photographer, i SHOULD BE all about realism. i hate copying other people's work - yes, i did before, i got banned on neopets three times for submitting stuff i found on google or deviantart into the beauty contests, i also almost got my hisk deviantart banned before abandoning it in shame of it not being my work.

i'm different now.
i'm not at all.

stuff confuses me a lot and that makes me sad that it does.

i want stuff sorted.